Overachiever

I'm a goal-oriented person. I'm also an overachiever. This is a GREAT combination in life. (I'm successful in my career, in my finances, in my friendships, in my family, etc.) Somehow, though, this makes TTC much, much worse.

I have a goal - to be a parent. And granted, I will take it any way I can get it (we're already planning on adopting in the future, and Jen may want to try on her own), but I got it into my head that I was going to have a baby for us. And when I get something into my head, I do it. I was valedictorian of my high school class. I went to college for free. I went to grad school for free. I keep in touch with people I haven't seen in 10+ years. I keep my promises. I return library books on time. I keep a clean house. I complete all projects. I have the most thorough paperwork in my office at work. That's just the way it is. I set goals for myself and I do not stop until I meet them, on time.

I do this with hard work. If I'm not getting the desired results, I work harder. I step it up. If it's getting closer to crunch time, I buckle down. I schedule breaks and do not extend them. I am a machine.

What's frustrating about TTC is that I am doing everything right. I take my temps at the same time. I take my pills at the same time. I take my shots at the same time. I go in for all of my appointments and I don't make long-term plans during TTC time so I can do everything on their schedules. I do not lift heavy things after IUIs. I switched donors when we were getting low numbers. I cut out all of the "trouble foods": caffeine, alcohol, ibuprofen, artificial sweeteners, too much fish, etc. I organic'ed my diet. I eat less sweets. I lost weight. I check all of my fertility signs.

My body, that didn't work for my entire young adult life, now ovulates on its own. And it works even more efficiently with drugs - more follicles, stronger ovulation. I have a nice, long luteal phase that is very consistent. My ovarian reserve is excellent. I am in good health. I make great EWCM. My cervix opens nice and wide on O day.

SO WHY IS THIS NOT WORKING FOR ME?

That is the frustrating part. I am a goody two shoes and I believe that I am successful in life because I do the right things. I may be fooling myself, and I know that some people become "successful" by chance or by family hand-out or by dumb luck but I DO believe that hard work can take someone a long way. I do believe that working hard helps you achieve your goals. I am not a self-help book, just a girl who grew up in a crap environment and struggled to break free.

TTC kills my confidence and my ability to believe in my own hard work. TTC laughs at you when you do everything right and says, "Everything in my own time." TTC makes you continue to do everything right while at the same time letting you know that it probably won't work anyway. Talk about a mindgame.

My insurance company agreed to cover 3 IUI cycles with injectibles. We've had one. We have two to go. It is crunch time and there is NOTHING I can do to bolster my game. The pressure is on. I feel it, it's tangible, it's in my fingers and my mouth and stinging my eyes. October. October or bust.

The game is still on. But I honestly do not know what I am going to do when I'm told to stop without success. Because it's never happened to me.