Belly frustrations

Sometimes I feel like pregnancy is just 40 weeks of feeling like you are Not Good Enough. It doesn't help that everyone wants to put their two cents into your piggy bank, telling you all about what they did, or what they are doing, or even what they think they might do in the future. People have no problem telling you that your prospective parenting choices are "gross," "disgusting," "stupid," etc. And /everyone/ has something to say about your health.

Is THAT what you're eating?
Are you sure you should be drinking that?
Are you drinking enough water?
Boy, you're HUGE!
Are you sure you're not having twins?
You can't possibly be pregnant!
Wow, you don't look X weeks.
Are you eating too much?
Are you eating too little?
Are you eating soft cheese? deli meat? seafood? SODA??!?!???!

And on and on and on.

It's almost like an internalized -ism, the way you start to second guess all of these things in yourself. It's hard not to - pregnancy is everywhere, on television, in the malls, in groups of friends, on the internet... Millions and millions of little sources of comparison.

Last night we had dinner at a friend's and she was just full and round and perfect looking. She is also 2 weeks or so behind me in terms of gestation and was very kindly trying to squint to see some evidence of belly on me and make sure to make nice comments about how "she could see it!" As if a microscope was necessary.

We interviewed a doula on Tuesday who made sure to tell me that she would have never guessed I was 22 weeks. And then tried to recover by saying it must be due to my long torso and wide hips. I really wanted to say, "Speaking of wide hips, you're really fat!!!" but a) that is really mean and b) I'm not that kind of person. But honestly, what woman, especially a woman with a larger frame, DOESN'T know that it's not okay to use "wide" or "big" as adjectives when talking about strangers' hips? Needless to say she is not going to be our doula.

I went to bed sad again last night, just like at that baby shower we went to, like somehow I am starving my baby and/or preventing her growth. How can everyone have these rich, round bellies and I have this tiny little bump below my waist? Where is this baby growing, if at all? All of those e-mailed pregnancy newsletters are telling me that this week I might notice my belly button starting to pop out, if it hasn't already. HA HA HA. I'm still waiting for my BELLY to pop out.