The Frankenbaby Chronicles

Two girls, three cats, some frozen sperm, a doctor's office, and a big dream.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Belly frustrations

Sometimes I feel like pregnancy is just 40 weeks of feeling like you are Not Good Enough. It doesn't help that everyone wants to put their two cents into your piggy bank, telling you all about what they did, or what they are doing, or even what they think they might do in the future. People have no problem telling you that your prospective parenting choices are "gross," "disgusting," "stupid," etc. And /everyone/ has something to say about your health.

Is THAT what you're eating?
Are you sure you should be drinking that?
Are you drinking enough water?
Boy, you're HUGE!
Are you sure you're not having twins?
You can't possibly be pregnant!
Wow, you don't look X weeks.
Are you eating too much?
Are you eating too little?
Are you eating soft cheese? deli meat? seafood? SODA??!?!???!

And on and on and on.

It's almost like an internalized -ism, the way you start to second guess all of these things in yourself. It's hard not to - pregnancy is everywhere, on television, in the malls, in groups of friends, on the internet... Millions and millions of little sources of comparison.

Last night we had dinner at a friend's and she was just full and round and perfect looking. She is also 2 weeks or so behind me in terms of gestation and was very kindly trying to squint to see some evidence of belly on me and make sure to make nice comments about how "she could see it!" As if a microscope was necessary.

We interviewed a doula on Tuesday who made sure to tell me that she would have never guessed I was 22 weeks. And then tried to recover by saying it must be due to my long torso and wide hips. I really wanted to say, "Speaking of wide hips, you're really fat!!!" but a) that is really mean and b) I'm not that kind of person. But honestly, what woman, especially a woman with a larger frame, DOESN'T know that it's not okay to use "wide" or "big" as adjectives when talking about strangers' hips? Needless to say she is not going to be our doula.

I went to bed sad again last night, just like at that baby shower we went to, like somehow I am starving my baby and/or preventing her growth. How can everyone have these rich, round bellies and I have this tiny little bump below my waist? Where is this baby growing, if at all? All of those e-mailed pregnancy newsletters are telling me that this week I might notice my belly button starting to pop out, if it hasn't already. HA HA HA. I'm still waiting for my BELLY to pop out.


Anonymous cristin said...

Hi. I'm a lurking, delurking to tell you that I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Everyone is different and the way that people carry during pregnancy is no different. I think you look completely normal for being 22 weeks pregnant. When I was pregnant with my first baby I didn't have any kind of bump at 20 weeks, but believe me, I got big and fat by forty weeks. You still have almost half of your pregnancy to go. Try to remind yourself that the baby is actually still very very small right now.

I'm pregnant now with my third baby and luckily I have learned to let the comments roll of my back. But I remember with my first going to bed and crying all the time because people were so critical of my size and every thing else.

I think you look great! And for what it's worth I drink diet pepsi, eat coldcuts AND soft cheeses during pregnancy. There. Thats my pregnancy admission of the day ;-)

1:26 PM  
Blogger Hope said...

Check out out my flickr set of belly pics. I just look fat in them for most of the pregnancy. (sorry a couple are out of order) I never did get that big and it was sort of sat to never be hugely pregnant. On the other hand, it was still able to walk around...

2:16 PM  
Anonymous e. said...

jude i'm sorry that folks are making rude / ignorant comments. sounds like the prior commentors had similar experiences. The advice to remember that your baby is still really small right now is right on. And for what's worth, my SIL is about a month behind you and not showing at all. She also showed really late with her first.

hey, let's make a date to get together soon! I want to hear about your hsg before i have mine at the end of this month. and i'd love to catch up with you.

9:41 PM  

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