5w3d

Same old same old around here. I still feel largely nothing most of the time, though I am tireder than usual. Sometimes it just seems like it's a seasonal change or a clock change kind of thing but other times I just give up the ghost and admit it is a pregnancy thing. I think sometimes I am really scared to think of myself as pregnant because I am so paranoid that something is going to go wrong. I really DO try to enjoy every day and spend at least a few minutes a day thinking about a nice, healthy pregnancy and how most of the time everything goes just fine.

I am just a neurotic person and Beta Hell has not been kind to me. With a doubling time of 63 hours, I have a lot to stew about. I try to remind myself that lots of people who don't have "issues" don't even get betas - they get +HPTs and then doctor appointments. I keep telling myself that I am a really healthy person, and since I've managed to make my PCOS/insulin resistance really manageable with weight loss and lots of Metformin there is no reason for me to not be one of those gals that gets knocked up naturally... except for the "no sperm in the house" part.

We have our first ultrasound on Tuesday. According to O date, we will be 5w6d. I know it is too early to see a heartbeat but a girl can hope, right? A heartbeat would sure give me something to be excited about. At this point I think the whole reason for the ultrasound is to count sacs. Our 19dpo beta was on the highish side (967) for a singleton but with the slow doubling time I have a hard time imagining there are multiples in there. Part of me wishes for another beta so I could feel better about rising numbers but part of me does NOT need anything else to obsess about.

I am so scared that the ultrasound will bring bad news. I am so scared for ANYTHING to bring bad news. We just want this so, so much. I can't wait until Christmas (and the second trimester) so I can let down my guard a little.