The Frankenbaby Chronicles

Two girls, three cats, some frozen sperm, a doctor's office, and a big dream.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

30 weeks

Oh my goodness, there are only 10 weeks left of this pregnancy. 3/4 of the way done and that, my friends, is just nutty. I can't believe we have been riding this particular rollercoaster for 30 weeks... and how many weeks on the TTC wagon? Man. Hormones have ruled my life for about a year and a half. Yikes.

It's weird to have gone from everyone commenting about how I /don't/ look pregnant to everyone commenting about how I /do/. I just want to say, "See? I TOLD YOU!" but instead I just shrug and laugh. I actually don't mind the comments because these aren't as rude. No one is telling me I'm huge or ready to pop or anything, they tell me I look cute. One woman told me I had "the perfect little basketball belly" and I had to laugh because when I sit down or bend over, I totally have the classic fat girl double belly. If only she knew!

I love being pregnant except for the emotional sensitivity. Things have been really rough here for quite some time and I just don't have ways to cope like I used to. I used to be so cool-headed and mellow. Now I'm just moody and sad most of the time. Part of it, I guess, is that I used to have my old job to be my big stress release. Whatever was bothering me at home or in the world disappeared at work when everyone was goofing off and being silly. Now I sit in an office by myself for most of the day and have lots of time to ruminate on things. I miss being busy during the days. We're busy at nights and weekends but then we're BOTH running around, and that gets hairy. I liked being busy with my own stuff. It's kind of demoralizing to be asked, "What did you do today?" and can only answer that you played Text Twist until your eyes fell out. I used to have stories about clients, helping people, handling crises... it was nice. I was actually DOING something.

In 10 weeks I'll be doing a different kind of something. I'll be cooing over the face of our baby girl. I'll be feeding her from the outside instead of the inside, and I won't feel her bouncing around inside my guts. I will miss being able to protect our baby so completely, but I will love being able to see her and touch her skin and smell her sweet baby head. And I'm sure I'll just cry some more.

I'm finding that as D-Day gets closer, I feel less and less able to deal with people and instead want to curl up inside myself and just form some sort of protective cocoon. Is this normal? Do other people ever feel like this? I just feel like it's safer to be with myself and my inner peace than worry about what is going on outside of myself and dealing with interpersonal drama. Sometimes the only interpersonal contact I want is within the safety of our own little family.


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