Paranoia
News Flash: The end of pregnancy is as anxiety-provoking, slow, and long as the beginning. I never knew this! Why did no one ever say this? I feel like I'm in the first trimester all over again, except that it might even be slower.
Part of it, I think, is being home. The weeks went by more quickly when I was rattling off days on the way to the weekend. But I don't think that's it. I think that things are so rushed and frantic in the beginning and middle of the third trimester when you try to get everything done, and then you hit a point where you just say, "Okay, I'm ready to do this thing." And then? AND THEN? It doesn't happen.
So now I sit around and worry about stupid stuff. This week at my appointment, my belly measured 33cm, down from 34 the week before. Which is probably due to some droppage. No one was concerned, anyway. But now? Now I am obsessing about it. 33cm at nearly 38w? That's a 5cm discrepancy - my biggest ever! And now all I do is look down at my belly. Is it getting smaller? Is the baby eating herself? Why doesn't it look all big like other people at around 38w? Why am I not waddling? What is UP? I can still bend over and touch my toes. IS THIS BAD???!?
I seriously look about 30w pregnant. I think, anyway. Yet, I keep getting stretch marks. More and more stretch marks. Why am I getting stretch marks if my belly is measuring SMALLER? Clearly I am the weirdest pregnant person who has ever been pregnant.
So yeah. Every day that goes by with no baby is a day that I worry that something bad is going to happen. I have no reason to think this: no pain, no blood, no fluid, no swelling, no high BP, no nothing... yet... no contractions, no discomfort, no reassurance.
It's just like when I was in the first tri with no morning sickness or symptoms. All of those miserable girls were talking about their discomfort and saying, "Well, at least I know my baby is healthy." Now, they are all big and swollen and bloated and they look ready to pop, and I bet they can all take reassurance in that.
Me? Not so much.
posted by Jude @ 9:57 AM
6 Comments:
Oh sweetie, please don't worry! I've never written to you before and found your blog just over a month ago but I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a giant reassuring hug! Yes, this time of your pregnancy does often bring unwarranted paranoia but please don't fear - all will be well!
I have two "babies" that are now young adults and while I am the queen of worry and dutifully spent the last days of each pregnancy in total fear of everything, they were both born healthy and I survived as well.
You and that little one will also be just fine. You are not too small, you're just right for you and this particular baby! Every mother and every baby is different so don't compare yourself to others or to the books, they are NOT YOU and they just don't know how you are supposed to be, plain and simple, they just don't!
Take a deep breath and try to relax and rest in the fact that you are okay, the baby is okay and soon you will have the proof of that in your arms!
Peace to you!
She is not eating herself.
Even if she is small, that is no big deal. It might be more comfortable coming out! I was a 4lb baby and I was fine. (And note that I am, uh, no longer 4 lbs.)
Pregnant women are like snowflakes, I guess, you are all different. :-P
Hehe- fear not Jude, we want that baby to bake for a couple more weeks- who knows, your little girl might have a miraculous growth spurt this week- you are getting stretch marks all of a sudden- you wait, Jude, ooooh you just wait! Hehe!
"Is she eating herself?" That is the funniest thing I've heard all day.
You are healthy. Your baby is healthy. And how fabulous that you can still touch your toes! You're "bendy" - that's a plus!
Ummmm. I don't want to offend you or anything, but in that picture... the one right down there with the funny facial expression? You look REALLY pregnant. So, you can keep worrying if it helps you pass the time, but I don't think you need to worry. Soon you'll have a cute little wrinkly crying thing making yellow poop and you'll forget all about this!
I wonder if end-of-pregnancy paranoia is just another one of those hormonal stages. I mean, I don't /rationally/ seriously worry about any of these things, I'm just full of these breakthrough thoughts. It's so weird. Even when I'm thinking about them I know they're silly.
I guess I'm at that "I will feel better when I can see the baby on the outside" stage at last! BRING ON THE BABY!!!
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