30 weeks

Oh my goodness, there are only 10 weeks left of this pregnancy. 3/4 of the way done and that, my friends, is just nutty. I can't believe we have been riding this particular rollercoaster for 30 weeks... and how many weeks on the TTC wagon? Man. Hormones have ruled my life for about a year and a half. Yikes.

It's weird to have gone from everyone commenting about how I /don't/ look pregnant to everyone commenting about how I /do/. I just want to say, "See? I TOLD YOU!" but instead I just shrug and laugh. I actually don't mind the comments because these aren't as rude. No one is telling me I'm huge or ready to pop or anything, they tell me I look cute. One woman told me I had "the perfect little basketball belly" and I had to laugh because when I sit down or bend over, I totally have the classic fat girl double belly. If only she knew!

I love being pregnant except for the emotional sensitivity. Things have been really rough here for quite some time and I just don't have ways to cope like I used to. I used to be so cool-headed and mellow. Now I'm just moody and sad most of the time. Part of it, I guess, is that I used to have my old job to be my big stress release. Whatever was bothering me at home or in the world disappeared at work when everyone was goofing off and being silly. Now I sit in an office by myself for most of the day and have lots of time to ruminate on things. I miss being busy during the days. We're busy at nights and weekends but then we're BOTH running around, and that gets hairy. I liked being busy with my own stuff. It's kind of demoralizing to be asked, "What did you do today?" and can only answer that you played Text Twist until your eyes fell out. I used to have stories about clients, helping people, handling crises... it was nice. I was actually DOING something.

In 10 weeks I'll be doing a different kind of something. I'll be cooing over the face of our baby girl. I'll be feeding her from the outside instead of the inside, and I won't feel her bouncing around inside my guts. I will miss being able to protect our baby so completely, but I will love being able to see her and touch her skin and smell her sweet baby head. And I'm sure I'll just cry some more.

I'm finding that as D-Day gets closer, I feel less and less able to deal with people and instead want to curl up inside myself and just form some sort of protective cocoon. Is this normal? Do other people ever feel like this? I just feel like it's safer to be with myself and my inner peace than worry about what is going on outside of myself and dealing with interpersonal drama. Sometimes the only interpersonal contact I want is within the safety of our own little family.

"Other" mom?

Last night's conversation nearly broke me in two. It was one of those conversations that happens and you're left feeling hollow and wonder if you will ever entirely fill up again. At this point, I am still not sure.

In bed last night, Jen made a number of comments about how concerned she was that she wouldn't be bonded with our baby because she would have to go back to work. (I have to go back to work, too, but I need to find a job first.) She was talking about how she wouldn't be able to breastfeed and all of that, and basically that she wouldn't be a "real" mom and that she was left out of everything because she didn't have a baby inside her.

I died a little last night.

Since before we even decided to try to get pregnant, I have been trying to pull Jen into the whole process. I should mass-market some sort of TTC-and-Pregnancy fishing pole, because man, I used every trick in the book. I e-mailed links to my charts. I asked her to give me shots. I waited for that moment when she would remember it was time to take some medicine. I pleaded, begged, whined, moaned... oh, it was ridiculous. And then? And then! We got pregnant.

From minute one, in my mind this was our pregnancy, not mine. I tried desperately to suck her into "your baby at X weeks" info, wanted to talk about the babies all the time, and when we lost one, wanted to talk and talk and mourn and talk together. But I felt like she wasn't interested. She would "forget" some of the forbidden foods and offer them. She would "forget" to take a weekly photo. I would talk about inducing lactation and researched Supplemental Nursing Systems and would bring them to her attention. I wanted to know what bottles she wanted to try to use. I wanted to know what she wanted about everything. I wanted her to lay against me, belly to belly, so our baby could kick her belly too. It was like a bad lesbian movie, I'm sure.

And after all of that? Last night she says she's not a part of things? Well, what am I supposed to do with that?

I know that I cannot understand all of the trials and tribulations of a non-biological mom... but I also know that biological bonds are not the be-all and end-all in my small family of origin. I just don't even think of it that way. This is our baby and has always been our baby, down to the donor who shares her ethnicity and coloring and up to the way I refer to our baby and our pregnancy.

It just seems like even when you try to do everything you possibly can, you get reminded that you will never, ever be able to do enough.

11 weeks to go!

Wow. 29 weeks today. 29 weeks. 11 weeks to go. July seems far away, but 11 weeks doesn't seem very long at all. 11 more weekends. And they are so booked:

1: trip to Boston
2: painting the nursery
3: local Pride festival
4: Mother's Day/our wedding anniversary
5: Unsure - we were planning to have a babymoon weekend and then our baby shower. Now? TBA.
6: No plans (yet) but it's Memorial Day weekend

And then we're into June! Holy crap!

I have to say that I absolutely love being pregnant. I do. I love it. I love the round belly, and I love the baby movement, and I love just knowing there is a baby in there. I love the idea of being pregnant, I love that we're having a baby together, and I love walking around with my belly sticking out. What I don't like is the heartburn. The heartburn and the emotional rollercoaster. All I do is cry. Well, get heartburn and cry. I probably cry about heartburn. I cry about everything.

This week's crying topics have included: the shower mess, flooding in our basement, having to spend a bunch of money as a result of flooding in the basement, considering cancelling the babymoon due to having to spend a bunch of money as a result of flooding in the basement, thoughtless comments made by friends, thoughtless comments made by people who are no longer friends, having recently moved and not having a lot of friends, and Jen's telling me that she still thinks about us having twins. Oh there are more things than that, but really, do you need to know all of them?

Let me know and I will start keeping a log. A very depressing log.

Just a question:

Why would someone offer to throw you a baby shower and then back out?

I am speechless.

So we are in the 3rd Trimester now...

Oh my god!

I am so very very excited and scared witless about the baby who will be here in about 11 0r so weeks!

I am continuing my reading about expectant Dads and felt more connection to what I am reading about in this book that has been very much recommended by people - Confessions of the Other Mother: Non-Biological Lesbian Moms Tell All.

I bought it from Amazon and only read a little bit - but I already relate and feel understanding and commiseration of feelings! Heh... I am totally acting out my inner issues with the whole over protectiveness and need to *fix* and *paint* and *build* and use tools and ladders!;) Okay I already wanted to do those things, but I definitely feel an unexpected push to do those things more.

And I never expected to see myself, big butch non dress wearing no make up me, picking our little girly dresses! OMG!!!!

But there I am, picking out cute little dresses- though not as frilly as those Jude picks out;).

I am super excited and scared and wonderfully amazed at everything and so very much in love with Jude and our little girl.

We met with our Doula last night and she had asked us some questions and had a questionnaire of sorts about how we might rate the needs we will have and "Get Partner Food/Drinks" was one of the options and I was like - "huh? Why would I want food or drinks?" Part of this is having no idea about what we are really in store for and part of it is being totally in the whole my focus will not stray to things like food or drinks! No way.

So yeah - I didn't have any questions either....but I am looking forward to reading the books Jude and I ordered - recommended reading for what to expect about the birthing process. And I am also looking forward to the class and also a little scared - but only a little:)

Gearing up...

I guess it's getting to be that time. Last night we ordered three books on natural childbirth and tonight we're headed to a "Birth Film & Discussion" night put out by a local doula. I can't believe that in 12 weeks or so, we'll be in the thick of it all. Finding out I was pregnant doesn't seem like it was that far away!

28 weeks tomorrow and it probably all gets rushed from here. Jen and I have all of these things planned on a bunch of weekends (trip to Boston, Pride weekend, trip to Connecticut, baby shower, etc.) and I'm starting to get worried that there won't be enough weekends to actually get everything done! I have always been a bit of a procrastinator but this seems like it's a little too important to leave until the night before. We will pull an "all-nighter nursery!"

Wow. We start birth classes next month, too. Holy crap, it is already APRIL.

GTT

I passed the one-hour Glucose Challenge Test! Wahoo! I don't have Gestational Diabetes (even though I kept getting threatened with it due to insulin resistence) and I don't have to do the three-hour fasting test. *dances*

I celebrated with some leftover dessert from Easter dinner and part of a half-price chocolate bunny that Jen brought home for me today. Mmmmmmmm!

27w1d belleh

Whee!

Ahoy! Third trimester!

I'm 27 weeks pregnant today. In 10 weeks, we will be considered "full term." WOW. 10 weeks, really? There is so much to do!

I had a midwife appointment yesterday with TMIL (The midwife I love) and it was, of course, wonderful. She gives hugs on entrance and exit and is just so motherly and full of compliments and I just love her, love her, love her. I think I will cross my legs until she is on call.

I was expecting to gain 10 pounds this month because I ate like OINKY WOAH in Florida and because I feel like I've gotten a lot bigger this month. I was so sure of this that I didn't look at the scale when I was weighed but had to ask when TMIL came in. I needed to know. And it was *drum roll* FOUR POUNDS. Holy crap, I about died of shock. It looks like I have only gained 13lbs. since I arrived at this midwife practice (11 if you start from IUI day, I lost weight for a little while) which TMIL said was very good. I'm still 14lbs under my heaviest weight pre-Metformin so it's possible to "round out" (ha, I slay myself) this pregnancy at around where I started before I got the PCOS under control.

Speaking of PCOS, I had to drink the glucola yesterday as well. I don't drink soda or juice and had heard horror stories about how sweet it is, but it tasted just like I remember orange soda tasting. Then again, I haven't had orange soda since I was a little kid, so who knows? Either way, I pretended I was drinking this special glass of orange soda (well, styrofoam cup) and it wasn't too bad. Here's hoping I pass! I skipped my morning cereal in favor of an extra-large egg and a slice of cheese on some whole wheat toast with some vegan margerine - gross because I don't like eggs or dryish toast but I stuffed it down in the hopes that I would avoid sugar shock. It worked, I didn't even feel all that buzzed, though the kid did. Fun!

Blood pressure hasn't changed in the last couple of months. It was really low at first (like 100/60) but has been living in the 120/70 range at my last couple of visits. Urine was fine as well, I guess. (They didn't say.) Basically, TMIL said that everything looked great and she thought I was doing a great job.

I told her about the pelvic pain and some of the random pains I've had on and off, and told her that I expected that these were normal and if they were not, they would be more intense or more regular or something. She basically said yes, that if something was happening, it would be more than a pinchy cervix to give it away. I then swallowed a little and asked, "What do I do if there is a midwife here that I don't like?" I decided not to give a big detailed thing, just a general question. She was very sweet about it and suggested that I meet with that midwife and try to work it out, but that if I didn't want to, I could always put it in my chart. I told her that I was okay with having another appointment with her, but that I absolutely did not think we would mesh well at all in an intense labor and delivery situation. She seemed to think it was not a big deal, that I could get it noted somewhere and they would work something out. I LOVE HER.

She said I didn't have to switch to two-weekers yet since everything seems great, so I go back May 1st, which is (*gulp*) 30w6d. Then I will make the switch. Also, I will meet another of the midwives that day. I met her for about 5 minutes once, 5 terrible minutes - she is the one who was sent in to tell us what we had already known from our 10w1d ultrasound - that we lost our second baby. She was a little less hopeful than I would have liked ("You will probably go home and start cramping. Call us if you bleed more than a pad an hour.") but I think that she was just trying to prepare us for the worst since I went in with bleeding. I don't know. We'll see what happens in a month.

Cross your fingers for good blood glucose numbers!!

LB!

I have heard a rumour that Megan and Sacha's little boy, Finn Alexander, was born yesterday just a shade before 11am via c-section.

No confirmation on Babycakes, but YAY! BABY!!

Infanticipation!

I am getting REALLY excited to hear news about Megan and Sacha's baby adventure!

*bounce*